Some pictures of Vito from 1988

So big!

Being silly.

Winding down.

Not happy.

       Mother's day was yesterday, it's a bittersweet day for me.  I know I'm very lucky to have my Mom still around.  I enjoy getting her a little something, to show my appreciation for all she does, and spending some time together.  That's the sweet part.  

       For the bitter, well, the day inevitably comes with thoughts of "What if".  I can't help thinking about what I'm missing, what should have been, my due.  Scott, my husband, does an awesome job of making me feel appreciated.  He got me flowers and did my chores for me, but there will always be a void that no one can fill.  If Vito was still alive he would probably do something special for me.  Of course I can't know that for sure, but I imagine there would be some gesture.  I know it's silly but I feel cheated in a way. 

       Over the years I've learned to just nip these thoughts and feelings in the bud before they blossom into full blown nostalgia and despair.  I know now that I have to quickly rein in that cruel, nagging voice that always threatens to torment me on that day.  It rises up from the back of my mind whispering softly at first, then louder and louder "You're not a Mom, your child is gone, you don't deserve a Mother's day".  I know that voice, my inner critic, is wrong.  I also know where that voice comes from.  I know now I no longer have to fear it.  Someday, I hope, the voice will be silent.  Yes,  Mother's day is bittersweet.